First
by Athania
Summary: ."Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower, somewhat less attractive now that's she's all corpsified and gross." She always thought she'd go first.


_**Title: **__First_

_**Author: **__Athania_

_**Fandom/Disclaimer: **__Firefly/Serenity, which belongs to Joss Whedon, AKA God._

_**Characters:**__ Zoe, Wash, River_

_**Pairing:**__ Zoe/Wash_

_**Spoilers: **__BDM (Serenity)_

_**Summary:**__ "Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower, somewhat less attractive now that's she's all corpsified and gross." She always thought she'd go first._

* * *

She sat down in the pilot's chair, feeling empty and lost. She never thought the day would come when she would be without Wash. She'd always assumed that she would be the first to go. She was always the one going out on the dangerous missions, while he sat in the bridge, jokingly saying 'have a nice day at work, honey.' She was sure she'd go out, guns blazing in a firefight, and Wash would be the one to grieve for her. The thought that he would die before her had never crossed her mind. He was the getaway man, never really in danger, except that one time with Niska. Her gaze travelled to the plastic dinosaurs littering the controls in front of her. She picked one up solemnly, running her hand across it, then grabbed another.

"Rrrr," she growled softly, half-heartedly pitting the two against each other. She crashed them together languidly, too caught up in her memories of times past to play with any amount of enthusiasm. She leaned back against the comfy chair her husband used to love so much, placing the plastic toys back on the panel and buried her head in her hands. She sobbed a little, hoping that nobody would come into the bridge, not even the captain.

_Especially_ not the captain. She knew that he was so used to seeing her as a strong person. She didn't want to shatter that image. Even when Wash had died, she was still the Corporal that Mal fought beside in the war. She had stood there, and answered Kaylee's question so coldly. Casually, even. Like she meant just this one time.

**"He's not coming."**

And he wasn't. He wasn't coming to fly Serenity and play with his dinosaurs, waiting for them to get back. He wasn't coming to sit down at the table and make comments about 'Wife Soup,' acting like an excitable child. He wasn't coming to bed after a successful heist that went wrong somehow like it always did. He wasn't coming to make some smart-aleck response to the captain. He wasn't coming to pull them out of a jam in mid-air. He wasn't coming to have a fight with her about their marriage. He just...wasn't coming.

She thinks that's what broke her. Those three words from her own mouth. Those three words that embodied her depression. Three words that told her what was responsible for her current state. Wash had been her other half, something to balance herself. He was the opposite of her, and that was why she loved him. She had seen so much in her life. So much pain, so much death, so much torture. He was so innocent, compared to her. Before Niska got a hold of him, he had never really been in a real life-threatening situation not involving an imminent crash. He was always able to lighten the mood, but she was so grim all the time. He was everything she wasn't, and that was why her love was so deep. She wondered how she had ever gotten so lucky.

"Stop."

She looks up at the voice, wiping her eyes as inconspicuously quickly as she could.

"Don't hide. He watches. He loves."

She concentrates intently on the girl in front of her. River is staring off into space, literally. She looks at a point past her shoulder, stepping slowly into the room. Her voice is dreamy and shaky, fluctuating in volume, like always.

"You miss him. We all do. He knows. He's sorry. He is a leaf on the wind: getting farther from his tree, and the other leaves that he loves. We watch how he soars, far...far away from us. To a better place."

She looks at the dark-skinned woman in her husband's chair. She tilts her head and smiles, her hair falling in front of her face.

"He misses you too."

* * *

_**A/N:**__ So, if nobody could tell, I love Wash. This is my first time venturing into the Firefly/Serenity 'verse. Hope you enjoyed it, emo and angsty though it was. I totally cried when he died. (Rhymed!...And again!) Wash was my favourite, with River and Zoe close behind. I'm not quite sure if I captured River's creepy word-spouting well or not, or even if it made any sense at all. But I tried. God, I still feel so depressed. Reviews are appreciated, and thanks for reading!_


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